Associated Incidents
Alessandra Kellermann is a mental health counselor, behavior specialist and owner of Gentle Insight, LLC.
Before we lose another student to suicide, let's face the mental health crisis and issues as they arise, head on, without fear.
As a mental health advocate and counselor my entire life, the crisis is real. It does not matter what type of neighborhood one lives in or where one's kids go to school. Your socio-economic status, gender identity, religion or race do not matter either.
And yes, it can happen right here in Westfield, NJ where I have been counseling children as young as 4, teens and college students, realizing the statistics and research are spot on.
Anxiety, isolation, suicidal ideation, depression are at some of the highest rates we have seen in years in our children and teens, and as much, if not more, in our college students.
Now per AMA, every pediatrician must screen for anxiety in children.
Suicides are way up. We need to treat this mental health crisis with the urgency it deserves and it is happening worldwide.
We just lost another beloved Westfield student recently to suicide and my heart breaks for his family. He had just graduated from Westfield High and begun college, a young man who had persevered through physical challenges and was loved by his peers.
I work with parents who have lost their child to suicide and it is heart-wrenching, grueling therapy with no closure. One simply attempts to catch one's breath every day when waking up realizing this was not just a bad dream.
Stress levels and divisions are at an all-time high in Westfield. The divisions began after the horrific terrorist attack on Israel by Hamas and the pain felt by all in Israel and Palestine while Hamas is hunted down. We have US hostages and troops deploying every day to the region waiting for orders.
The recent board of education meeting in Westfield resulted even in Westfield High students who had come to testify and report for their student paper, in tears and shaken up, as some of the adults yelled at them for trying to ask questions of the Muslim board member everyone wanted fired.
Understandably, so many were hurting and impassioned as they spoke to the board about their pain and fears.
However, have we forgotten our children are watching us and affected by how we behave as their protectors and parents? They are NOT young adults. They are still children and their brains do not finish forming until age 24. That's just a fact and although my son wishes to argue that point --- for that reason alone perhaps we should acknowledge until 24, they need as much help as possible with their wellbeing and acquiring the tools to build resilience and self-compassion.
In therapy sessions, children are seeing images on social media of this tragic attack and war and not sleeping well.
Yes, I said children as young as 5.
If you are a parent, are you sure you have your parental controls set right? Are you monitoring their chats and images exchanged or are they perhaps sensing your own anxiety and stress, perhaps hearing your phone conversations? Are ads for news permitted on their social media? Are you asking them if they have seen anything that bothers or frightens them?
Technology is so powerful and managing to manipulate all of us when we least expect --- even as wonderful and helpful as it can be. We must all remain vigilant.
Self-care is key for all of us --- parents and children. Not one of my therapy clients avoids talking about self-care with me because it's critical, and we take baby steps when needed. I must do the same and am not the best at times when trying to be there for everyone else. But we can teach our children early and never stop.
"Are you being kind to yourself today? How?"
and
"Are you remembering to be kind to others? Tell me how and let's talk about some ideas even giving your brother a hug today after he lost his soccer game."
Then we had the incidents of deepfake AI pornography (the specific terminology) shared amongst high school students, which has reached international attention.
One of the alarmed mothers, Dorota Mani, wrote a passionate letter to the editor about what happened to her 14-year-old daughter, Francesca, and many other girls at Westfield High. It struck a nerve for me as a rape survivor myself and the frustration and pain she and her daughter felt.
Everyone handles sexual harassment/assault differently when victimized. There is no judgment as I attended the meeting the mother held where only one new school official cared to attend, and listen carefully to the pain of these families: Charles "CJ" Gelinas.
He mentioned he had two daughters himself and with this incident the rug has been pulled out from everyone. He listened. He demonstrated he cared and that's always the first step to victims feeling heard anywhere.
What I do know is that the healing must already begin as justice and understanding are sought.
No one is alone in this. Too many students are confused and hurting not even understanding why when the school decided to speak to them days after about this incident, the boys were separated from the girls. What message does that send?
We worry and trigger anxiety in our students with just the monthly lockdown drills here in Westfield, which also are often brought up in therapy sessions with my young clients.
Yet when our students --- our children --- do not feel *emotionally *safe, we have failed them.
There are resources to help, and as adults, we must educate ourselves first on this newer nefarious way of using AI, despite the fact that we are also interacting with AI every day, probably unaware how much.
The UK, Germany and Australia seem to have made the most progress in protecting and educating their citizens so far with some of the resources I have listed below.
I implore everyone to check their children's emotional health and keep those communication lines open. Transparency is key and it's fair to assume our children are seeing and hearing far more than we may realize even with the best of parental controls.
As parents, we would feel guilty if we forgot to feed or clothe our children appropriately. Their emotional health is just as critical and again intertwined with their physical health.
And let's not kid ourselves, when any part of their emotional well-being is hurting or needs help, their academic success is affected as well.
We cannot just embed SEL into the curriculum and wait for our teachers to talk about feelings. It is up to us as parents to demand better (including from ourselves) in helping our children strengthen their emotional health not to help them avoid tough challenges in life but to build resilience.
Educating ourselves more on emotional health and reaching out to mental health therapists when extra supports are needed for our children or teens, all are part of the solution.
My son lost his father, a veteran --- a US Air Force pilot --- to brain cancer when he was just beginning middle school. Social media played a role in further isolating him from others despite my attempted to monitor --- and then again especially during the pandemic. He too, has had to learn to balance his time on social media and focus on his emotional health during more stressful times. No one is immune. It has taken years for this young man to prioritize his sleep and his self-care and realize interacting with friends in person is far more valuable and real than texts and emails. Now as he is in his last year of law school, I hope and pray that he takes all those strong self-care habits with him to his very demanding law career in NYC.
We are all in this together. Please model good self-care for your children and teens and help them start this care themselves. They are never too young to learn how to treat themselves gently which translates into treating others gently with empathy and kindness.
Life is tough enough, yet it can also be an amazing adventure when our kids feel safe, not just physically, always emotionally as well.
We must not simply react by choosing to wake up after our community loses another hurting child or teen to suicide. Let us all remain proactive and address this mental health crisis with courage and decisive action.
Remember, our children are not just glued to their social media, iPads and phones --- they are watching us as well. Limit their social media as much as you can so they have a healthy balance.
Involve them in activities where they are using all five senses and interacting with peers and family including the outdoors and nature. Teach them about kindness towards themselves and others and how needed they are in giving back --- volunteering --- no matter what their age or ability.
Volunteering improves emotional health tenfold. Volunteer together whenever you can, even working on fun projects at home. Need ideas? I run Homefront Hugs Foundation where we have lots of ideas and teens get actual official volunteer hours for school or applying to jobs and college later in life.
Our students are our future and already Francesca Mani, within a week of this trauma, is working on a website to help others who endured this and offer emotional support and education. I am mentoring her as she has become my personal hero. She has exemplified strength and courage, so grateful for the many other male students, not involved, who did come to her and apologize for what she was going through and ask if she needed anything. She wanted everyone to know that all is not bleak.
This is part of her healing and she has already begun slowly to try to make sense of what has happened to her with very supportive parents. She will receive volunteer credit through Homefront Hugs as we accept any volunteer project that helps others, thus giving thanks for her freedoms and the sacrifices by countless veterans for these freedoms we so often forget.
Another shining Westfield High student is Krishav Singla who is working under Homefront Hugs to finalize his project "Mission Inclusion," helping make Westfield more accessible for all. I am grateful privileged to be mentoring him as well as he waits to hear back from colleges.
As much as the younger generation is too often vilified, they are our answer to world problems when we prioritize their wellbeing and the emotional stresses they feel even at the youngest of ages.
The most recent study of college students resulted in many saying, "I wouldn't admit it then but if only my parents had been stricter with limiting my endless hours on the phone, Instagram, all social media and even video games. It only isolated me further and did nothing to help me build healthy relationships with peers or myself."
It is time we listen to our younger generations. When technology like AI perplexes us and harm is done to any group, let us come to learn and heal together.
Resources below:
A beginners guide to AI: https://oursaferschools.co.uk/2022/07/20/a-beginners-guide-to-deepfakes/
Report and Remove in the UK: https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/online-mobile-safety/report-remove/
The UK does it almost perfectly: https://oursaferschools.co.uk/2023/07/28/ai-imagery-online-safety-bill/
RAINN App, RAINN | The nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization:
1-800-656-4673 anytime there for you with counselors but the APP has lots of great info too so review it together :) and please share with your friends who were affected, too.
https://www.rainn.org/new-rainn-mobile-app-offers-survivors-loved-ones-another-option-support
Staying safe on Snapchat: https://help.snapchat.com/hc/en-gb/articles/7012304746644-How-to-Stay-Safe-on-Snapchat
Excellent Testimony by a BU Law Professor on what can be done in mid-September 2023 before our US Senate about AI and safety: https://www.judiciary.senate.gov/imo/media/doc/2023-09-12_pm_-_testimony_-_hartzog.pdf
Finally remember 988. Please. 3 digits. Licensed mental health counselors are free 24/7 for any issues causing distress. Teens can even call and ask how to help a friend to get help or how to talk to them in crisis. Parents can call and ask how to help their child or teen or even adult son or daughter.
988 is there for anyone in distress or crisis or just worried about someone. They will connect you to the top national resources and counselors 24/7. Legislation should be passed to have 988 on every driver's license and school ID.
And let us take control back as parents and citizens. When our children, teens and young adults begin to reflect strong emotional wellbeing, our community will become an example for others. It's a win-win.
Please feel free to reach out to me anytime at GentleInsightHelp@gmail.com as I wish to see more priority not just on paper but through actions on our mental health crisis. Our amazing parents who too often forget their own needs while trying to do better by their children, need to work on self-care too and that includes me.
You are not alone in this, I promise. This is not just a Westfield issue.
Parents and families nationwide and worldwide are struggling with these issues.
We just need to focus on saving lives by improving the lives of our kids through focusing on their emotional health, their well-being as early as possible and thereafter continuously. Kindness matters to ourselves and others --- and our emotional resilience will get us through the toughest of times.